STRESS RELIEF: Computer stories

FROM MURPHY'S LAWS

Experts 
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

An expert is the person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Technology is dominated by two types of people -- those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

The first 80 percent of the task takes 20 percent of the time, the last 20 percent takes the other 80 percent.

Basic
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

Meetings
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

Miscellaneous
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Life is what happens while you're busy making plans.
Life is half spent before we know what it is.
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.
Common sense is not so common.
Never attribute to malice what can be accounted for by sheer stupidity.
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. Unfortunately, the observed level of Hydrogen appears to be diminishing.
He who laughs last - probably didn't get the joke.
Men say that Time passes. Time says that men pass.
The only sure things are death and taxes, and at least death isn't annual.

Computers
Machines should work. People should think.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.
Not only is UNIX dead, but it's starting to smell really bad.
Definition of an upgrade: take old bugs out, put new ones in.

1. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human,it is down right natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

Training
Managers worry that people who get specialized training may leave. 
They should be worried that people who don't get specialized training may stay...

Work
Nobody is so busy as the one who has nothing to do.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem you encounter resembles a nail.
The one who pays the least complains the most.
Amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE MALE

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. A better model is right around the corner.
3. They look attractive-until you take them home.
4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are committed to memory.
3. The native language used to communicate with others of their kind is incomprehensible to anyone else.
4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what's wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

REMEMBER WHEN

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note.

A window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights. now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment, a program was a TV show, a cursor used profanity, and a keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age. a cd was a bank account.

And if you had a 3 ½" floppy - you hoped nobody found out .

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file; and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the road, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue, a web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead.

 
IMAGINE

(Song to the tune of Imagine, by John Lennon)

Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.

Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!

Imagine never ending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too

Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.

Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.

by UNKNOWN

Bill Gates and God

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright,
and upgrade God Himself. 
The new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 2002. Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions ision. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with." 
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: 
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Saviour: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customised user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Saviour), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumours that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

ACRONYMS

WINDOWS 

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed 
When I Need Data Output Without Speed 
Wholly Inadequate Needless Damned Outrageous Waste of Space 
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System 

IBM 

I Blame Microsoft 
Idiots Buy Me 
Idiots Building Machines 
I'll Buy Macintoshes (next time...) 
It Bit Me 
It Built Microsoft 
It's Better Manually 
I've Been Mislead 
I've Been Mugged 

Other

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms 
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing 
SCSI - System Can't See It 
DOS - Defective Operating System 
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control 
DEC - Do Expect Cuts 
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months 
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too 
WWW - World Wide Wait 
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs 
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics 
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language 
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction 
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis 
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed 
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers 
RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code 
MMX - Much More eXpensive  Top 

A COMPUTER JOKE

There are four engineers traveling in a car when it breaks down.
The mechanical engineer says, "It sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again."
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clean out the fuel system."
"I think it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer,"or maybe a faulty plug lead." 
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing up to this point, and say, "Well, what do you think?" "Um, how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

COMPUTER RAP SONG

 by an unknown Internet Author

"If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer"

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!
  If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Decalogo general de las fases de un proyecto 

1. OPTIMISMO GENERAL

2. FASE DE DESORIENTACION

3. DESCONCIERTO GENERAL

4. PERIODO DE CACHONDEO INCONTROLADO

5. BUSQUEDA IMPLACABLE DE CULPABLES

6. SALVESE EL QUE PUEDA

7. CASTIGO EJEMPLAR A LOS INOCENTES

8. RECUPERACION DEL OPTIMISMO PERDIDO

9. TERMINACION INEXPLICABLE DEL PROJECTO

10. CONDECORACIONES Y PREMIOS A LOS NO PARTICIPANTES

The six steps of program management are:

1. Wild enthusiasm
2. Disenchantment
3. Total confusion
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Promotion of the non-participants

Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)

Distributed in a school

INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM

From: Management

To: All Employees

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our new policy to keep all employees well trained through a new program known as SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than other schools.
lf you feel you are not receiving your fair share of S.H.I.T. during on the job here, please see your supervisor, and you will be immediateìy placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list. Your management team is especially skilled at ensuring you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. scriously will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P .S.H.I.T.).
Since our senior level employees took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are considered completely "full" of S.H.I.T. at this time.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in sharing your expertise and training others. lf desired we will add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). You will then be offered a B.U.L.L S.H.I.T. job, and with enough experience you can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.E.E.T.)
Those who fail to comply with the Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) will immediately have to deal with the compulsory program Training Organized for Uncooperative Groups in Higher education (T.O.U.G.H. S.H.I.T).
We hope that everyone will take his S.H.E.E.T. lf you have further questione, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.E.E.T.)
Sincerely,
The Management

The 16 reasons… a modem is better than a woman!

The fact that we publish this story does not mean we share the author's point of view about women (the site owner)...

A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.

Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as switching it on

When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night long.

You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over.

A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem

A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command.

You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.

If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

Modems come with an instruction manual.

Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF

Author Unknown

THE TECHNO TERMS DICTIONARY

STATE-OF-THE-ART
Any computer you can't afford.

OBSOLETE
Any computer you own.

MICROSECOND
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

SYNTAX ERROR
Walking into a computer store and saying... 'Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.'

HARD DRIVE
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')

KEYBOARD
The standard way to generate computer errors.

MOUSE
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

FLOPPY
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

PORTABLE COMPUTER
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

DISK CRASH
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

POWER USER
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

SYSTEM UPDATE
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

386
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.(From Funky Pages)

You may be addicted to the Internet if...

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
 
When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find that it's on TV.

You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.

You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

Your cat has its own home page.

You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "undo" button

A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy --- for a year!!!!!

You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

Tech support calls YOU for help.

You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

You find out orce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

You say......."Where did the time go??"

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

The only jokes you receive are through email.

You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You have more friends on the internet than in real life.

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
I will get dressed before noon.
I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
I will read a book...if I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,if it is necessary or not.
I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

 In Short

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The marvels of today’s modern technology include the development of a soda can which, when discarded, will last forever...and a fifteen thousand dollar car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.